hugs and smiles.... wow... REAL ones!!!!!!
Monday, February 28, 2005
The Gals of 40's In Louisville
The Gals... Isabella, ^Shebs^, Noahlyn, Buttercup, Tucky^QT, Jupitergirl41, a friend of Noah's and Mama^Smurf
The Guys of 40's In Louisville
Dice, Novice00, JOHN-43, dwskwared, Papa^Smurf and wysiwyg... and oh yeah... a fuzzy pink slipper
Thursday, February 24, 2005
What Do I Miss
I think that sometimes people don't see what you have to give up and the things you miss most, even the little things. There is a lot you have to give up, so you have to make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Yes you miss all your family and their love and hugs, your friends, also give up your job. Your way of life as you know it.
Sometimes there are things you are going to miss that you didn't even think of. They just creep up on you, like just the walk in the street. Plus you are going to have to get to know all the new ways of doing things, like making a phone call. People may laugh at things like that, but you are going to have to get to know so many different ways of doing things.
I think a lot of people do not think about it at first, then it hits them. The one thing that gets to me, its one of the things I didn't think of. It just came up on me, is I love my country. I am proud of where I come from and all that goes with it. I love the red and white of England. Its ok for me to make fun of my England, but I don't like it if someone else does. It hurts.
I didn't know just how much I loved my country. So you don't know all the things you are going to miss. I have a friend in England that I miss more and more every day. We did a lot of things, like going out for a drink. We did a lot of talking and helping each other in times of need. Then there is the everyday things. Missing the hugs from your kids. Having to give your pets up...Oh yes, you miss them too.
You even miss the shops that you have being going in and out of all your life. Even the papers, the way the post comes and goes is different. Some of the new ways make you laugh, but some make you mad. Even TV is different. The way of eating and cooking is too. That gets to me too, as I like cooking. So you have to find new ways of doing things. At times it gets to me and I will sit thinking of all my old ways of life. So all this thinking if you love someone, just make sure you do love them. Because when it comes down to it, you had better make sure you do.
I know in my heat, mind and soul I love Buttercup. So make sure that you look everything over and think about it all. I do, and every time, Buttercup wins, hands down. She is my life and I never want to be apart from her ever. For all the love I have for the things I miss, Buttercup always always comes out on top. I love you Buttercup.................John
Sometimes there are things you are going to miss that you didn't even think of. They just creep up on you, like just the walk in the street. Plus you are going to have to get to know all the new ways of doing things, like making a phone call. People may laugh at things like that, but you are going to have to get to know so many different ways of doing things.
I think a lot of people do not think about it at first, then it hits them. The one thing that gets to me, its one of the things I didn't think of. It just came up on me, is I love my country. I am proud of where I come from and all that goes with it. I love the red and white of England. Its ok for me to make fun of my England, but I don't like it if someone else does. It hurts.
I didn't know just how much I loved my country. So you don't know all the things you are going to miss. I have a friend in England that I miss more and more every day. We did a lot of things, like going out for a drink. We did a lot of talking and helping each other in times of need. Then there is the everyday things. Missing the hugs from your kids. Having to give your pets up...Oh yes, you miss them too.
You even miss the shops that you have being going in and out of all your life. Even the papers, the way the post comes and goes is different. Some of the new ways make you laugh, but some make you mad. Even TV is different. The way of eating and cooking is too. That gets to me too, as I like cooking. So you have to find new ways of doing things. At times it gets to me and I will sit thinking of all my old ways of life. So all this thinking if you love someone, just make sure you do love them. Because when it comes down to it, you had better make sure you do.
I know in my heat, mind and soul I love Buttercup. So make sure that you look everything over and think about it all. I do, and every time, Buttercup wins, hands down. She is my life and I never want to be apart from her ever. For all the love I have for the things I miss, Buttercup always always comes out on top. I love you Buttercup.................John
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Just Need to Write
I don't know how to start this or how to write it...when I think of where I am in my life.....I think about how much I love my kids and I love all of them so much, miss them too. Just want them to know I love them and want to hold and hug them. People with kids will know what I mean. When I think of the times I would have with them.
No1 has her life, but she needs her dad when she is hurt and needs to know she's always my spud( my nick name for her). No2 is the one who in the last few years we have gotten close more and more...she has kids of her own now, 2 of them. When I think of the times we have been with each other and when I was down and out she was there to help me (was her that got me talking to Buttercup, lol).
No3, my son, what can I say about him, he's just always been there at the times when I was down...thinking I was on my own... he was there. At times he was my kick up the butt. He never let me forget just how much he and the girls loved me. I want them to know just how happy I am and that I will always love them and hug them every chance I get. Most of all I think about them every day, trying to think about what they will be doing.
The one thing I know is that my kids want me to be happy and that's one thing Buttercup does is make me happy... how she makes me happy (smiling here). When someone like Buttercup comes into your life it just lights your world up. She lets me be me. It was only last night I was saying to her "we will not live long, because of all the laughing and fun we have". I never at any time in my life had so much happiness as much as we do.
when you think of all the things we have to get over, I just know we will, because we were made for each other. Me and Buttercup did this site so people can see how we feel and the things you have to get over... that if you love someone wherever they are, whoever they are, go for it. If you love someone or if you think you do, don't be put off, let them know and don't let anyone or anything put you off. If you do tell them and they don't want to know, believe me you will feel better about it all, because you will not sit there saying 'wish I had told them'. Plus they may feel the same way, but they are to shy. How many time have you seen 2 people meet years after and talk, then one says "why did you not tell me the way you felt? I felt the same way." but its to late then. So if you do love someone tell them and show them you love them..........John
No1 has her life, but she needs her dad when she is hurt and needs to know she's always my spud( my nick name for her). No2 is the one who in the last few years we have gotten close more and more...she has kids of her own now, 2 of them. When I think of the times we have been with each other and when I was down and out she was there to help me (was her that got me talking to Buttercup, lol).
No3, my son, what can I say about him, he's just always been there at the times when I was down...thinking I was on my own... he was there. At times he was my kick up the butt. He never let me forget just how much he and the girls loved me. I want them to know just how happy I am and that I will always love them and hug them every chance I get. Most of all I think about them every day, trying to think about what they will be doing.
The one thing I know is that my kids want me to be happy and that's one thing Buttercup does is make me happy... how she makes me happy (smiling here). When someone like Buttercup comes into your life it just lights your world up. She lets me be me. It was only last night I was saying to her "we will not live long, because of all the laughing and fun we have". I never at any time in my life had so much happiness as much as we do.
when you think of all the things we have to get over, I just know we will, because we were made for each other. Me and Buttercup did this site so people can see how we feel and the things you have to get over... that if you love someone wherever they are, whoever they are, go for it. If you love someone or if you think you do, don't be put off, let them know and don't let anyone or anything put you off. If you do tell them and they don't want to know, believe me you will feel better about it all, because you will not sit there saying 'wish I had told them'. Plus they may feel the same way, but they are to shy. How many time have you seen 2 people meet years after and talk, then one says "why did you not tell me the way you felt? I felt the same way." but its to late then. So if you do love someone tell them and show them you love them..........John
Dealing with Immigration - In the Beginning
What a confusing mess. It amazes me how many people are out there wandering around with no clue as to how to handle having a love from another country. There are so many people giving advice on how to get the other person over. Who would'a thought, even with 9/11 that there would be so much red tape. I mean, yes, scrutiny is understandable... but a lot of what we have to do was in place well before 9/11. It's like the two countries are both going "mine...mine... mine" and it's laughable.
We did our homework. We researched until our heads hurt. We got so much conflicting information it just got us further and further from having a clue.
Eventually we realized that the only way to get this done was to go to someone (and pay out the wazoo) who knew what it was all about and who had dealt with it before. That meant a (dreaded) attorney. No offense to the attorneys out there... but hey, you know what I mean.
So we went. We called two. The conflicts started immediately. Won't go into great detail here. Suffice it to say we were once again confused.
Sometimes you need to step outside of your situation and present it to an unbiased outsider. That helped. We agreed that out of the two atty's we spoke to, having one local would be better. So we met with him.
Well, while the attorney in California was saying 'Whatever you do, don't get married now." This attorney said "Whatever you do, don't wait too long to get married... do it now"
Sheesh...
But after talking to him at length we did discover that if we married now, John would stay, the paperwork would be filed and he could potentially be working within 3 months of the filing. Well, that was a serious concern (that AND the fact that we dreaded even another day apart!!!)
What really convinced us however was the fact that if John DID go back first and we filed for the K-3 (Fiance) visa, he could be there, unable to even visit me, for a minimum of 6 months and potentially a lot longer. We looked at each other sitting there in the attorney's office and remembered the last time we were apart... 2 weeks... it was hell. Now the attorney was saying 6 months?????????? I don't think so.
It wasn't even up for debate. We squeezed each other's hand and looked at the attorney and just shook our heads. We said "We can't do that."
So the plan then was to get all our paperwork together, get married, file... and wait. This would cause great financial strain... that was the downside. The main one anyway.
First we had to get John's Birth Certificate... it was the only thing we did not have yet that would be required to file... so we had to wait to get married until we had that in hand.
We did our homework. We researched until our heads hurt. We got so much conflicting information it just got us further and further from having a clue.
Eventually we realized that the only way to get this done was to go to someone (and pay out the wazoo) who knew what it was all about and who had dealt with it before. That meant a (dreaded) attorney. No offense to the attorneys out there... but hey, you know what I mean.
So we went. We called two. The conflicts started immediately. Won't go into great detail here. Suffice it to say we were once again confused.
Sometimes you need to step outside of your situation and present it to an unbiased outsider. That helped. We agreed that out of the two atty's we spoke to, having one local would be better. So we met with him.
Well, while the attorney in California was saying 'Whatever you do, don't get married now." This attorney said "Whatever you do, don't wait too long to get married... do it now"
Sheesh...
But after talking to him at length we did discover that if we married now, John would stay, the paperwork would be filed and he could potentially be working within 3 months of the filing. Well, that was a serious concern (that AND the fact that we dreaded even another day apart!!!)
What really convinced us however was the fact that if John DID go back first and we filed for the K-3 (Fiance) visa, he could be there, unable to even visit me, for a minimum of 6 months and potentially a lot longer. We looked at each other sitting there in the attorney's office and remembered the last time we were apart... 2 weeks... it was hell. Now the attorney was saying 6 months?????????? I don't think so.
It wasn't even up for debate. We squeezed each other's hand and looked at the attorney and just shook our heads. We said "We can't do that."
So the plan then was to get all our paperwork together, get married, file... and wait. This would cause great financial strain... that was the downside. The main one anyway.
First we had to get John's Birth Certificate... it was the only thing we did not have yet that would be required to file... so we had to wait to get married until we had that in hand.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
When I Realized I Loved Him
Well, what a misleading title...lol....should read "When I realized I loved him so much I could no longer think of life without him"
Yeah, that would be much more appropriate.
When your life is just moving along... you know the way traffic does sometimes on a freeway. At night sometimes I am a bit spellbound by the lights. I live in hilly country so the highways at night often look like rolling ribbons of Red and White lights. It can be so pretty. Hard sometimes to remember that every little pair of lights represents a driver and sometimes a passenger or two. How did they find themselves on this highway... being red or white... are they excited about where they are going? The reason I ask this is because sometimes I look at the traffic and all the pretty little lights and I actually take a moment to consider the lives going by in streams. I think about how my life was before.
Wow did we have some pretty lights. I bet people driving on the same highway as us probably figured our lights would just out shine so many others. My prior life. But I was not excited about where I was going. I had to let someone else drive... all the time. I had become a part of something so 'pretty' and indistinguishable. I had settled for the status quo. And I was miserable. So I left it all.
Everyone thought I was crazy.
I met John. (I'm smiling now) Our lights are not yet burning up the highway. But maybe one day... See, we're not trying to 'fit in' or live according to others' expectations. Everything about how we met, how we behave with one another, how we see our future... all pretty unconventional. All inspired by the love that brought us together and binds us like the strongest glue.
And the thing is I think that if you look closely enough you would probably find a lot of people in their cars... unaware of the image they project with the pretty lights... are just going along with the flow of traffic ... blending in... not even questioning their own happiness... or lack of it. I suppose that's ok. I'm just glad I dared to examine myself and shake myself out of the fog I was living in. I had really lost myself.
When I met John I was challenged to look beyond myself and as a result - found myself once again. The real me. John gave me the confidence to see that I have something to contribute. He inspires me so... He amazes me. John has more heart in him than I ever saw in anybody ever before. He is kind without being a pushover. He's tough without being cold. He's intelligent without being pompous. I love him. He forces me to rise above so many things because he is always on such an even keel. I get wild and rant and rave sometimes and his smile just melts me and we end up laughing because once again... he forces me to see myself.
I think I lived so long trying to be what everyone expected me to be that I forgot just how crazy and quirky I really am. When did I realize I loved him so much that I couldn't imagine life without him? I think it was the day that I dared to imagine it. The day that a friend asked me. What would I do if I lost him... sometimes the simplest questions (when asked in the simplest situations) can just force you to see things so clearly. When she asked me that question I just stopped in my tracks and tears welled up in my eyes. I remember fighting them back. I remember feeling as if my chest would explode and my next breath would never come.
I remembered how I had told him it was over. I remember getting in my car and driving home trying to see through the tears. Finding my way to the computer. Praying he would be there. I remember seeing his nick. Gasping for breath and trying to figure out how to talk to him.. how to let him know. Truth is, he always knew. He knew.
We laughed about this last night. How when we were 'supposedly' split up... how I would call him... and never could let go. He knew before I even knew. It was always there. I love him more deeply than I ever dreamt it was possible to love and it continually astounds me.
We are crazy and wild and quiet and shy and serious and foolish and we just fit. We don't fit in with the rest of the world's idea of how things should be... but boy oh boy do we fit. We are going to take this 'unconventional' situation and allow it to grow and flourish even. There is so much love.
Yeah, I know the very moment that I realized that I loved him so much I couldn't imagine life without him... I remember. Wish I was as good as expressing these things as he is. But he knows... yeah, he knows. I love him.
We have a long road ahead of us. A road filled with so much more than just pretty lights. A road full of laughter. Tears. Love. He has given me the ability to let my heart go. Until you share it you know, you never really understand what it's for.
Buttercup
Yeah, that would be much more appropriate.
When your life is just moving along... you know the way traffic does sometimes on a freeway. At night sometimes I am a bit spellbound by the lights. I live in hilly country so the highways at night often look like rolling ribbons of Red and White lights. It can be so pretty. Hard sometimes to remember that every little pair of lights represents a driver and sometimes a passenger or two. How did they find themselves on this highway... being red or white... are they excited about where they are going? The reason I ask this is because sometimes I look at the traffic and all the pretty little lights and I actually take a moment to consider the lives going by in streams. I think about how my life was before.
Wow did we have some pretty lights. I bet people driving on the same highway as us probably figured our lights would just out shine so many others. My prior life. But I was not excited about where I was going. I had to let someone else drive... all the time. I had become a part of something so 'pretty' and indistinguishable. I had settled for the status quo. And I was miserable. So I left it all.
Everyone thought I was crazy.
I met John. (I'm smiling now) Our lights are not yet burning up the highway. But maybe one day... See, we're not trying to 'fit in' or live according to others' expectations. Everything about how we met, how we behave with one another, how we see our future... all pretty unconventional. All inspired by the love that brought us together and binds us like the strongest glue.
And the thing is I think that if you look closely enough you would probably find a lot of people in their cars... unaware of the image they project with the pretty lights... are just going along with the flow of traffic ... blending in... not even questioning their own happiness... or lack of it. I suppose that's ok. I'm just glad I dared to examine myself and shake myself out of the fog I was living in. I had really lost myself.
When I met John I was challenged to look beyond myself and as a result - found myself once again. The real me. John gave me the confidence to see that I have something to contribute. He inspires me so... He amazes me. John has more heart in him than I ever saw in anybody ever before. He is kind without being a pushover. He's tough without being cold. He's intelligent without being pompous. I love him. He forces me to rise above so many things because he is always on such an even keel. I get wild and rant and rave sometimes and his smile just melts me and we end up laughing because once again... he forces me to see myself.
I think I lived so long trying to be what everyone expected me to be that I forgot just how crazy and quirky I really am. When did I realize I loved him so much that I couldn't imagine life without him? I think it was the day that I dared to imagine it. The day that a friend asked me. What would I do if I lost him... sometimes the simplest questions (when asked in the simplest situations) can just force you to see things so clearly. When she asked me that question I just stopped in my tracks and tears welled up in my eyes. I remember fighting them back. I remember feeling as if my chest would explode and my next breath would never come.
I remembered how I had told him it was over. I remember getting in my car and driving home trying to see through the tears. Finding my way to the computer. Praying he would be there. I remember seeing his nick. Gasping for breath and trying to figure out how to talk to him.. how to let him know. Truth is, he always knew. He knew.
We laughed about this last night. How when we were 'supposedly' split up... how I would call him... and never could let go. He knew before I even knew. It was always there. I love him more deeply than I ever dreamt it was possible to love and it continually astounds me.
We are crazy and wild and quiet and shy and serious and foolish and we just fit. We don't fit in with the rest of the world's idea of how things should be... but boy oh boy do we fit. We are going to take this 'unconventional' situation and allow it to grow and flourish even. There is so much love.
Yeah, I know the very moment that I realized that I loved him so much I couldn't imagine life without him... I remember. Wish I was as good as expressing these things as he is. But he knows... yeah, he knows. I love him.
We have a long road ahead of us. A road filled with so much more than just pretty lights. A road full of laughter. Tears. Love. He has given me the ability to let my heart go. Until you share it you know, you never really understand what it's for.
Buttercup
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
The one question l get asked most
This is not going to be easy to answer, because I don't know if it will make sense. The one question I get asked the most is, How did I know I loved her? Trying to think of the best way to answer it, so people understand.
When you are sat there working, coming home, cleaning and cooking, looking after your kids, there comes a time when you have 'your' time, I don't know what everyone else does, but I would put my romantic songs on and think about my dream woman. She was not real. She was all in my head. Like most men and women its your dream and no one can mess it up, he or she is everything you want them to be. Well I did that a lot, almost every day. Soon as I had my time on went the music and out came my dream. But in my mind I knew that if I ever did meet her, she was not going to want me anyway. Plus I was not looking for it and didn't want it, this was my dream and no one and I mean no one could mess it up. Even if I did meet a woman I would run a mile, just too shy of a person. Plus who would want me anyway .
Then one day my kids got me in to online chat. I didn't want to do it. I Wouldn't`t know what to say. But as time went on l got into it. People trying to talk to me, me missing most things as I didn`t know what I was doing, hahahahahahahahaha. One rule I made was to tell people the truth, what ever it was. Then as I talked to people I found just how on my own I was, and to me what a sad life I had, then that would get me all upset. Made me look at myself, l was not a bad guy, so I asked myself, why am l on my own? What's wrong with me? People in chat telling me I was a nice guy. If I was a nice guy and as good as people told me, why was l on my own? Yes like most I got upset and down, felt sorry for myself which I think most do, so then I would go into my world, with my dream woman, I think we all have our dream world. So now you know a bit of how I was feeling at the time.
then came talking to Buttercup. From the moment we talked l just got a feeling like I have never had. This overpowering, warm feeling I didn't know I had, this was something I had never had before with anyone, was this love? I just knew there and then she was the one.
So as time has gone on and we are where we are now, the answer is yes I do love her and more. She's everything that was in my dream and much much more. In fact, she's better than my dream. She is the most wonderful person I have ever met. She's kind, warm, she cares about others, romantic, she's the best, my number one. She's everything to me, and with all that she's beautiful too. To me its more then love, she's part of me, she's my soulmate. The way she makes my feel inside every day, god and she makes me so happy.
The one thing I will never do is let her forget just how wonderful she is, plus every day l will let her know just how much I love her. When she hurts l hurt, l just can`t bear to think of life without her, she's my everything. The one thing l do know is my love for her will just grow and grow, its a love I didn't know, and know I have it with Buttercup, l am never ever ever letting her go.........John
When you are sat there working, coming home, cleaning and cooking, looking after your kids, there comes a time when you have 'your' time, I don't know what everyone else does, but I would put my romantic songs on and think about my dream woman. She was not real. She was all in my head. Like most men and women its your dream and no one can mess it up, he or she is everything you want them to be. Well I did that a lot, almost every day. Soon as I had my time on went the music and out came my dream. But in my mind I knew that if I ever did meet her, she was not going to want me anyway. Plus I was not looking for it and didn't want it, this was my dream and no one and I mean no one could mess it up. Even if I did meet a woman I would run a mile, just too shy of a person. Plus who would want me anyway .
Then one day my kids got me in to online chat. I didn't want to do it. I Wouldn't`t know what to say. But as time went on l got into it. People trying to talk to me, me missing most things as I didn`t know what I was doing, hahahahahahahahaha. One rule I made was to tell people the truth, what ever it was. Then as I talked to people I found just how on my own I was, and to me what a sad life I had, then that would get me all upset. Made me look at myself, l was not a bad guy, so I asked myself, why am l on my own? What's wrong with me? People in chat telling me I was a nice guy. If I was a nice guy and as good as people told me, why was l on my own? Yes like most I got upset and down, felt sorry for myself which I think most do, so then I would go into my world, with my dream woman, I think we all have our dream world. So now you know a bit of how I was feeling at the time.
then came talking to Buttercup. From the moment we talked l just got a feeling like I have never had. This overpowering, warm feeling I didn't know I had, this was something I had never had before with anyone, was this love? I just knew there and then she was the one.
So as time has gone on and we are where we are now, the answer is yes I do love her and more. She's everything that was in my dream and much much more. In fact, she's better than my dream. She is the most wonderful person I have ever met. She's kind, warm, she cares about others, romantic, she's the best, my number one. She's everything to me, and with all that she's beautiful too. To me its more then love, she's part of me, she's my soulmate. The way she makes my feel inside every day, god and she makes me so happy.
The one thing I will never do is let her forget just how wonderful she is, plus every day l will let her know just how much I love her. When she hurts l hurt, l just can`t bear to think of life without her, she's my everything. The one thing l do know is my love for her will just grow and grow, its a love I didn't know, and know I have it with Buttercup, l am never ever ever letting her go.........John
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Meeting Buttercup for the first time
How did it come about? Well me and Buttercup had been talking for sometime, It happened when Buttercup said she had not been out in sometime, Out and had fun. You know, having a laugh and a dance. Everytime she had been out was for a dinner, Then home. So it was then I said I would go over and take her out, No strings, That was on the Saturday, She just laughed and said ok, (she thinking it would never happen) I told her even if see didn't like what she seen, She could just walk away and l would take the next plane out. In my mind l had to meet her and see her, was she the woman l had fallen in love with? And was she real? We talked on the Sunday and l said the same again, She still laughed thinking it would never happen, Then Monday came, I had done it l had a flight to the USA, GOD l had done it. I was going to meet her , Well I was going to the USA what ever happened and l was going on Friday, In 4 days time, God if l could put into words just how happy l was.
Then starts the worry, Was she going to be there, Is this what I wanted, Yes l got scared. We talked every day, Me telling her l would be there, Her telling me she would be waiting at the airport for me. This was it we were going to meet, God l was so scared, But at the same time l couldn't wait. The next 4 days went so slow, Then when we talked we were both finding it hard to believe it was going to happen, Was l doing the right thing ? Well what l can tell you is in my heart there was no question, But people told me l was mad and l could see why they would think that. I was going all the way to the USA for 3 days to meet a woman l didn't really know, Take her out to dinner and a dance, What man does that? What person would do that? Well I asked myself all the same things, God l asked myself so many times and l came up with the same answer. The person l talked to on line , Talked to on the phone and seen on cam, I was in love with, I had to see if she was real, Plus for once in my life l was going with my heart. I even told her as much, I had to find out, if l did love her and l would know once we met.
GOD how time went slow, God l loved her so much. Then the day came I was on the plane, God I was so scared, Now I was on the 2nd plane, This was it, The plane was coming in to land, Was she going to be there ? Would she like me if she was? Would I like her ? Was she who she said she was? So many things going over and over in my mind.
Well getting off the plane now, This was it. Had a long walk from the plane, Well it seems like it. Coming up the stairs in the airport, she's there , That was it , My legs went, Such a long walk to get to her, My legs was going l was not going to make it to her. I wish I could put down in words just want happened to me. She was everything l had been dreaming about, The woman I was in love with was there and my legs was going to give way. So I just started to run, because l wouldn't fall over then, l could get to her, Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Yes I got to her, Ran right into her nearly knocking her over, So that was are first meeting, Me nearly knocking Buttercup over.
What l can say is l went with my feelings and my heart, Not with what people was telling me............John
Then starts the worry, Was she going to be there, Is this what I wanted, Yes l got scared. We talked every day, Me telling her l would be there, Her telling me she would be waiting at the airport for me. This was it we were going to meet, God l was so scared, But at the same time l couldn't wait. The next 4 days went so slow, Then when we talked we were both finding it hard to believe it was going to happen, Was l doing the right thing ? Well what l can tell you is in my heart there was no question, But people told me l was mad and l could see why they would think that. I was going all the way to the USA for 3 days to meet a woman l didn't really know, Take her out to dinner and a dance, What man does that? What person would do that? Well I asked myself all the same things, God l asked myself so many times and l came up with the same answer. The person l talked to on line , Talked to on the phone and seen on cam, I was in love with, I had to see if she was real, Plus for once in my life l was going with my heart. I even told her as much, I had to find out, if l did love her and l would know once we met.
GOD how time went slow, God l loved her so much. Then the day came I was on the plane, God I was so scared, Now I was on the 2nd plane, This was it, The plane was coming in to land, Was she going to be there ? Would she like me if she was? Would I like her ? Was she who she said she was? So many things going over and over in my mind.
Well getting off the plane now, This was it. Had a long walk from the plane, Well it seems like it. Coming up the stairs in the airport, she's there , That was it , My legs went, Such a long walk to get to her, My legs was going l was not going to make it to her. I wish I could put down in words just want happened to me. She was everything l had been dreaming about, The woman I was in love with was there and my legs was going to give way. So I just started to run, because l wouldn't fall over then, l could get to her, Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Yes I got to her, Ran right into her nearly knocking her over, So that was are first meeting, Me nearly knocking Buttercup over.
What l can say is l went with my feelings and my heart, Not with what people was telling me............John
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Positives and Pitfalls
A bit of a ramble... but here goes...
Most people already know there are down sides to having an online love affair. It simply stands to reason that there would be. For John and I there were so many. But somehow we overcame them.
For starters, there were the obvious things... Distance being the primary one. But there was also the way we were both in places in our lives that caused us to find ourselves online to begin with. We both had been in really bad situations that caused us to need to talk to someone... someone who would listen. Ok, so finding someone to listen is a positive. Needing someone to listen... Well that can lead to all sorts of trouble in itself. When you need someone to listen you most likely have issues that prevent you from being ready to enter into a relationship to begin with. Let's face it, we all have issues. Some greater than others.
Talking to someone online can be so easy... It can be so easy to unload. We both did that a lot in the beginning. We unloaded a lot on each other. At times I think it made us closer, but at other times it made us aware of the fact that we had too much going on in our lives to allow us to be ready to accept the fact that our lives were on a collision course... And oh were they ever. I was scared. I knew from the first time we talked that I had opened a door and it was completely removed from its hinges. There was no closing it. There was this connection. Ok, I tried and tried to close it. I reasoned. I argued with my own logic. I told myself it would never amount to anything. I pushed it aside. He did the same to me. But some things are just unavoidable.
I remember how many times we tried to end it. Sometimes it got to where we were both hanging the phone down on each other and trying to piss the other off to push them away. But each time one of us would break down and we would ultimately end up back together... But we grew stronger this way.
There was a time when we decided we weren't going to fight it anymore and we both gave in to it. We chatted online at every given opportunity. Sharing more and more of each other's lives and getting closer and closer.. Needing each other more and more... But I remained reserved. He knew it. I denied it. But it was there. It was always there lurking in the background.
John held firm. He told me he would not give up even though I was constantly pushing him away. I was sabotaging the very thing I needed most... Our love. Oh I worked hard at it too. I was so afraid of falling in love with him and never being able to make our dream come true. I did not want to live a life in which he had gained access to my most private places... The depths of my heart... And still was 3500 miles away. I knew it would be hard enough to find someone here where I lived that I could let in. I had been hurt too many times.
Something kept me coming back however and it was only because he held firm that I did not lose him altogether.
There was a time when the interference came not from my pushing him aside, but from others in the room. You have to understand that John was always very open in the room about how he felt about me. He praised me, constantly... Always saying the most loving and beautiful things for all in the room to read. It was overwhelming at times. He held nothing back about his feelings for me. Naturally other women noticed this and of course wanted someone to feel that way about them as well. Add to that the fact that I was not as openly responding to him with my feelings and we became very easy targets. Lots of women tried to get to him.
I am a very jealous person. And at the same time, a flirt. Ok, a huge flirt. John never tried to shut me down. He was hurt many times by my open flirting. But what he didn't realize at the time was that it was just another way for me to remain aloof. To not let anyone get too close. But he was getting too close. I was scared outta my mind... But didn't understand myself even why. So it got to us. The rumors started flying. It got bad. Real bad.
At one point it became so easy for others to go to him with all sorts of stories about me. There were blatant lies floating around. But I think it was just some people trying to protect him from me. As if I would surely break his heart. His heart was so huge...Everyone saw that by what he said in the room. What they didn't know was that he and I had connected and I knew his heart... And I loved it. I loved him already more than I had ever dreamed of loving anyone. But I was still too afraid to let it out. So we fought this battle that nearly destroyed us.
It got bad. Nobody in the room realized just how long John and I had been talking. They assumed that I was someone new and that they knew him better than I did and that I did not deserve him. It was brutal. I don't know if he ever realized just how hurt I was by it all. But it doesn't matter now. Now it just doesn't matter. Because I know. I know and he knows... That we were meant to be together and this was just one more trial by fire. It made us so much stronger. So many things made us stronger.
So the rumors, the jealousy, the undermining... The attacks...Blatant and subtle... All helped only to bring us closer together. Bonded more firmly than before. I love him. I always knew that, but it took a lot...A lot... To allow myself that.
We went through all the horrible things that passionate people go through.... The breakup... The pain... The agony of knowing you could lose the one thing that you thought you would never find. I can hardly even write of it without having to pause and fight off the tears. It was more painful than I can express.
John had become a part of me. Through our time together during his visits... He flew across to see me 5 times....Each visit more intense than the last... Harder to say goodbye each time and this difficulty again made me afraid. So afraid in fact, that after the 3rd visit...When he had gone back to England again, I decided I couldn't do it anymore and I ended it.
It was devastating.
I realize now how devastating it could have been had I not eventually come to my senses....And if he had given up. He never gave up. I ran. But my heart just wouldn't run with me. It stayed with him in spite of my insistence that it let go and be realistic. That was my whole thing. I kept saying 'This just isn't realistic. It's not practical. We can't do this. It's nuts.' I told myself that over and over again. And some of my friends reinforced it. Well, actually, every negative thing you ever hear about chat rooms reinforced it. But you know what? I was wrong. One day it was as if I just woke up. I could no longer deny what I knew to be true. I loved him. He loved me. It was stronger and deeper than anything I had ever felt before. I needed him. I could no longer imagine life without him in it. I don't know exactly when it was, but I know the switch was pulled and the dam was let loose. When I sent him the song by Lonestar "Let's Be Us Again" I think he understood and knew as well. He knew. He knew that I had finally given in to the one thing that was true in my life. The one thing that would never go away. I trusted him.
That is something that is very hard to come by for most of us these days in everyday life, let alone online relationships. But I trusted him. Maybe it was the fear of losing him forever, maybe it was the knowledge that I was the one standing between me and my own happiness. Whatever it was, I was no longer having anything to do with being without him. No matter what it took. I had to be with him.
It was no longer about how unrealistic it all was... Now it was all about 'ok, how are we gonna do this?'. Because we WERE gonna do this.
I remember going back into our old chat room. We were a bit apprehensive about it. We figured we would run up against the same attacks and criticism. Instead we were embraced by a joy that others shared with us. They were so happy to see that we made it. That we overcame the grief that we were given in the room previously. They saw in us hope. So many people are looking for signs of hope. We gave it to them. And they rejoiced with us. It was truly heart warming. For all the bad that you hear about in chat rooms I am here to tell you there is so much love there. Yes, there are people that will always be hateful and try to make others' lives more painful than they already are...But oh how I have seen the good in people there. So much good.
When you spend enough time reading what people say...When you stop being judgmental and you allow yourself to really pay attention, you can find something so beautiful in them. In perfect strangers. You start to see their hearts.
The internet is such an easy target for criticism by people who just have no clue what it's all about. It's not until you spend some time there that you realize that in all the dirt, you can find roses growing. Yes, sometimes they are few and far in between. You can go through spells on there and feel as if you are in a vast wasteland. But when John and I came back, suddenly I felt as if I was wandering through a very mysterious and secret garden...Full of the rarest of flowers.
I know it will be difficult to give it up entirely. We still rely on it to talk to one another or just for a bit of amusement when we have nothing else to do and just need to talk and get silly. Sometimes I wish we could leave it altogether though. Because it does still scare me at times. I mean, this is where we met...And yet I feel as though we were just so incredibly lucky to make it through. As if we were both in a burning building and we survived. Should we really go back into the burning building now that we made it through? Ok, maybe a burning building is not the best analogy to use. But the point is that we made it through something few people manage to survive. Shouldn't we want to get as far away from it as possible?
Maybe we are still there simply to make sure others know that it's not such a bad place if you are careful and have your eyes open. I can't ignore the fact that I have made a lot of good friends in that chat room. Maybe some of them will never be more than words on a screen and that's ok. But for me...John became so much more. How positive is that?
For all the pitfalls, I have found the most positive thing in my life. I have found a man who has my heart completely. Whom I love with everything in me. Who has taught me to trust again. And who I hope to grow old with. Well, ok.. I want to stay young with him till our days are through.
I am inspired...And that's very very positive.
Buttercup
Most people already know there are down sides to having an online love affair. It simply stands to reason that there would be. For John and I there were so many. But somehow we overcame them.
For starters, there were the obvious things... Distance being the primary one. But there was also the way we were both in places in our lives that caused us to find ourselves online to begin with. We both had been in really bad situations that caused us to need to talk to someone... someone who would listen. Ok, so finding someone to listen is a positive. Needing someone to listen... Well that can lead to all sorts of trouble in itself. When you need someone to listen you most likely have issues that prevent you from being ready to enter into a relationship to begin with. Let's face it, we all have issues. Some greater than others.
Talking to someone online can be so easy... It can be so easy to unload. We both did that a lot in the beginning. We unloaded a lot on each other. At times I think it made us closer, but at other times it made us aware of the fact that we had too much going on in our lives to allow us to be ready to accept the fact that our lives were on a collision course... And oh were they ever. I was scared. I knew from the first time we talked that I had opened a door and it was completely removed from its hinges. There was no closing it. There was this connection. Ok, I tried and tried to close it. I reasoned. I argued with my own logic. I told myself it would never amount to anything. I pushed it aside. He did the same to me. But some things are just unavoidable.
I remember how many times we tried to end it. Sometimes it got to where we were both hanging the phone down on each other and trying to piss the other off to push them away. But each time one of us would break down and we would ultimately end up back together... But we grew stronger this way.
There was a time when we decided we weren't going to fight it anymore and we both gave in to it. We chatted online at every given opportunity. Sharing more and more of each other's lives and getting closer and closer.. Needing each other more and more... But I remained reserved. He knew it. I denied it. But it was there. It was always there lurking in the background.
John held firm. He told me he would not give up even though I was constantly pushing him away. I was sabotaging the very thing I needed most... Our love. Oh I worked hard at it too. I was so afraid of falling in love with him and never being able to make our dream come true. I did not want to live a life in which he had gained access to my most private places... The depths of my heart... And still was 3500 miles away. I knew it would be hard enough to find someone here where I lived that I could let in. I had been hurt too many times.
Something kept me coming back however and it was only because he held firm that I did not lose him altogether.
There was a time when the interference came not from my pushing him aside, but from others in the room. You have to understand that John was always very open in the room about how he felt about me. He praised me, constantly... Always saying the most loving and beautiful things for all in the room to read. It was overwhelming at times. He held nothing back about his feelings for me. Naturally other women noticed this and of course wanted someone to feel that way about them as well. Add to that the fact that I was not as openly responding to him with my feelings and we became very easy targets. Lots of women tried to get to him.
I am a very jealous person. And at the same time, a flirt. Ok, a huge flirt. John never tried to shut me down. He was hurt many times by my open flirting. But what he didn't realize at the time was that it was just another way for me to remain aloof. To not let anyone get too close. But he was getting too close. I was scared outta my mind... But didn't understand myself even why. So it got to us. The rumors started flying. It got bad. Real bad.
At one point it became so easy for others to go to him with all sorts of stories about me. There were blatant lies floating around. But I think it was just some people trying to protect him from me. As if I would surely break his heart. His heart was so huge...Everyone saw that by what he said in the room. What they didn't know was that he and I had connected and I knew his heart... And I loved it. I loved him already more than I had ever dreamed of loving anyone. But I was still too afraid to let it out. So we fought this battle that nearly destroyed us.
It got bad. Nobody in the room realized just how long John and I had been talking. They assumed that I was someone new and that they knew him better than I did and that I did not deserve him. It was brutal. I don't know if he ever realized just how hurt I was by it all. But it doesn't matter now. Now it just doesn't matter. Because I know. I know and he knows... That we were meant to be together and this was just one more trial by fire. It made us so much stronger. So many things made us stronger.
So the rumors, the jealousy, the undermining... The attacks...Blatant and subtle... All helped only to bring us closer together. Bonded more firmly than before. I love him. I always knew that, but it took a lot...A lot... To allow myself that.
We went through all the horrible things that passionate people go through.... The breakup... The pain... The agony of knowing you could lose the one thing that you thought you would never find. I can hardly even write of it without having to pause and fight off the tears. It was more painful than I can express.
John had become a part of me. Through our time together during his visits... He flew across to see me 5 times....Each visit more intense than the last... Harder to say goodbye each time and this difficulty again made me afraid. So afraid in fact, that after the 3rd visit...When he had gone back to England again, I decided I couldn't do it anymore and I ended it.
It was devastating.
I realize now how devastating it could have been had I not eventually come to my senses....And if he had given up. He never gave up. I ran. But my heart just wouldn't run with me. It stayed with him in spite of my insistence that it let go and be realistic. That was my whole thing. I kept saying 'This just isn't realistic. It's not practical. We can't do this. It's nuts.' I told myself that over and over again. And some of my friends reinforced it. Well, actually, every negative thing you ever hear about chat rooms reinforced it. But you know what? I was wrong. One day it was as if I just woke up. I could no longer deny what I knew to be true. I loved him. He loved me. It was stronger and deeper than anything I had ever felt before. I needed him. I could no longer imagine life without him in it. I don't know exactly when it was, but I know the switch was pulled and the dam was let loose. When I sent him the song by Lonestar "Let's Be Us Again" I think he understood and knew as well. He knew. He knew that I had finally given in to the one thing that was true in my life. The one thing that would never go away. I trusted him.
That is something that is very hard to come by for most of us these days in everyday life, let alone online relationships. But I trusted him. Maybe it was the fear of losing him forever, maybe it was the knowledge that I was the one standing between me and my own happiness. Whatever it was, I was no longer having anything to do with being without him. No matter what it took. I had to be with him.
It was no longer about how unrealistic it all was... Now it was all about 'ok, how are we gonna do this?'. Because we WERE gonna do this.
I remember going back into our old chat room. We were a bit apprehensive about it. We figured we would run up against the same attacks and criticism. Instead we were embraced by a joy that others shared with us. They were so happy to see that we made it. That we overcame the grief that we were given in the room previously. They saw in us hope. So many people are looking for signs of hope. We gave it to them. And they rejoiced with us. It was truly heart warming. For all the bad that you hear about in chat rooms I am here to tell you there is so much love there. Yes, there are people that will always be hateful and try to make others' lives more painful than they already are...But oh how I have seen the good in people there. So much good.
When you spend enough time reading what people say...When you stop being judgmental and you allow yourself to really pay attention, you can find something so beautiful in them. In perfect strangers. You start to see their hearts.
The internet is such an easy target for criticism by people who just have no clue what it's all about. It's not until you spend some time there that you realize that in all the dirt, you can find roses growing. Yes, sometimes they are few and far in between. You can go through spells on there and feel as if you are in a vast wasteland. But when John and I came back, suddenly I felt as if I was wandering through a very mysterious and secret garden...Full of the rarest of flowers.
I know it will be difficult to give it up entirely. We still rely on it to talk to one another or just for a bit of amusement when we have nothing else to do and just need to talk and get silly. Sometimes I wish we could leave it altogether though. Because it does still scare me at times. I mean, this is where we met...And yet I feel as though we were just so incredibly lucky to make it through. As if we were both in a burning building and we survived. Should we really go back into the burning building now that we made it through? Ok, maybe a burning building is not the best analogy to use. But the point is that we made it through something few people manage to survive. Shouldn't we want to get as far away from it as possible?
Maybe we are still there simply to make sure others know that it's not such a bad place if you are careful and have your eyes open. I can't ignore the fact that I have made a lot of good friends in that chat room. Maybe some of them will never be more than words on a screen and that's ok. But for me...John became so much more. How positive is that?
For all the pitfalls, I have found the most positive thing in my life. I have found a man who has my heart completely. Whom I love with everything in me. Who has taught me to trust again. And who I hope to grow old with. Well, ok.. I want to stay young with him till our days are through.
I am inspired...And that's very very positive.
Buttercup
Friday, February 11, 2005
Is it hard to make it work
Well even now me and Buttercup are engaged and still have a long way to go. In the start it was hard. Can you love someone 3500 miles away? Can you believe what they say? Are they who they say they are? All these things go through your mind. Can this be for real? Well I know at times with me, that I did try to ignore it and tell myself that I didn't love her and that I was just being daft. Oh yes I gave her a hard time. Put the phone down on her. Wouldn't answer my phone. Wouldn't go on line. Wouldn't answer her e-mails. Come on, at first who is going to believe you can love someone that far away? And people will tell you it can't happen, God they know best don't they? Even when you know you love them, Do they love you the same way? Plus its too far, Too different ways of life, Different ways of thinking. When you have been lied to before, So many times, Why shouldn't this be any different? How do you know you can trust anyone any more. Never mind the person you think you are in love with. When you have been hurt so many times, You think everyone is out to lie or hurt you , So you trust no one. It is hard so many things to get over, Travel is a big one, not as easy as it sounds, money, work, family just to name a few. All I can say is I went with my heart and once you have the love, The rest can be worked out...........John
How big is love
Sometimes when you think about it, How big is love? Like they say sometimes how long is a piece of string?......How big is space? Does anyone have the answers? How can you know? Well I don't. You never know. What I do know is the love I have for Buttercup...Just grows and grows. Even when I think I cant love her anymore than I do, It just gets bigger and bigger. Can we measure? Well my answer would be no, you cant. In my heart I know I love Buttercup and my love for her will just grow and grow. You cant love someone too much , You may not love someone enough, But you can't love someone too much. The love I have for Buttercup, Well if I am telling the truth, I can't tell you. I can't measure it, It's just in me. The love in me is like my blood, It goes round all my body and makes my heart beat for her. When I am asleep I dream of her, When I wake up she is the first thing I think of. Then I think of her all day. Wanting to hold her and kiss her. Just to be with her and see her smile. When I am with her just want to hold and cuddle her. To see her smile is like being in the warmth of the sun. To hold her is like being held by an angel. One thing I have found in life is that people use the word love too easily, so now when I tell Buttercup I love her, Every time I make sure it comes from the heart and with meaning. Plus I take every day as if it's our first or it could be our last. Because in a way, like the song If Tomorrow Never Comes, She will always always know I love her and it was not a measured love, but it was love that came from the heart and it was a true love ...........John
Love
Well now that I have found love........Why does the word love not seem the right word. The word love now seems too small a word.....What I have now with Buttercup, seems a lot more. Love just does not seem the right word, its too small a word. I am trying to tell her how I feel and love just does not say it enough. To find your soul mate and know in your mind, heart and soul that she's the right one. Its more than just love....Its your life, I would give my life for her in a moment, If I knew she would be happy for the rest of her life. Its not just about me anymore, I have someone I care about more than anything else in the world. The feelings for her are just so powerful. To have what we have now, I just wish everyone had it. The world would be a better place and I mean that from my heart. To wake up knowing I have someone as wonderful and special as she is, just takes my breath away and when I see her I just melt, every time, big smiles here just thinking about her. All I know now is what I have with Buttercup is more than love, I don't know what to call it, But just know she is part of me. I still sit and think about what we have and wish I could put it into words, but whatever word I use never ever seems big enough or the right one, because it's more, It's always more. You could say it's a never ever ending love, It's a love that just grows and grows. She has no idea that I am writing this. So to you Buttercup, I love you more than life. Just know that the feelings I have for you are never ever going to go away. That every day I will let you know just how much I adore you. So does anyone know what real love is? Well I just know we cant be far from it, to wake up and see her every day is my dream. Because to wake up and feel like you are in heaven every day...That's how I feel with Buttercup ....John
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Talking to Buttercup for the first time
The first time I talked to Buttercup........Our chat lasted over 8 hours...I know people will not understand or may even laugh......But I loved her and I knew it. Can you love someone from just talking.....Well I did. I don't know how I knew I just did, I didn't know what she looked like .....Didn't even know what she sounded like...But I loved her. I was not looking for it or wanted it.....But I had just talked to the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I knew it......But I didn't know how I knew. She was the most wonderful, most warm and caring woman I had ever talked to.....The feeling I had from her was just so powerful...And I don't know were the love came from ....But it was there....It had always been there. I had always loved her, she was my dream woman and I just knew it. After talking to her, I talked to myself...Telling myself, I was mad and it couldn't be true.....I was fooling myself....Not only that how could it work...She's in the USA and you are in England....3500 miles....Who was I trying to fool, couldn't sleep. I had to talk to her again....I couldn't let go...ohhhh, I did try........But I just couldn't let go....In my mind, heart and soul I loved her and I knew it.
John
John
Pondering the whole "Do I know You" thing...
Thinking about the way sometimes it seems as though the very thing that brought us together will be instrumental in breaking us apart...
People say how wonderful the internet is because of how it brings people together from all around the world and allows us to share ideas, beliefs, and cultures, but sometimes I think they forget the inherent danger in such a system. There is something lurking in that whole concept that is so often ignored. It has to do with the fact that we can sometimes allow the 'fantasy' of it all to cloud our 'reality' judgement. I mean let's face it, on the internet you can be whomever and whatever you wish. Don't assume for a minute that you know someone just because you may have spent countless hours talking to them online.
It's wonderful to find someone you can do that with. But realize that just as you may speak on phone with someone more comfortably than in person, talking online can often become 'comfortable' to the point that people don't even realize they are taking on personalities that they 'want' and not those that they necessarily 'have'. I realize that is not always a voluntary thing, but it's there just the same. And it can be deceiving, voluntary or not.
Perhaps that is what takes most people by surprise the most. They spend hour upon hour talking to someone they 'met' online and one day may even decide to meet in person. That's great. Perhaps the meetings continue alongside the 'chatting' and these two figure they know each other pretty darn well because they have spent all this time 'communicating'. Could be.
Then again, maybe we need to remember that it's life that allows us to truly 'learn' someone. Sharing is good... no, it's great and vital. But walking side by side through the joys and pitfalls of life... now that will reveal the real 'us' like nothing else can. I don't care how much we think we know each other.
Just an observation.
Buttercup
People say how wonderful the internet is because of how it brings people together from all around the world and allows us to share ideas, beliefs, and cultures, but sometimes I think they forget the inherent danger in such a system. There is something lurking in that whole concept that is so often ignored. It has to do with the fact that we can sometimes allow the 'fantasy' of it all to cloud our 'reality' judgement. I mean let's face it, on the internet you can be whomever and whatever you wish. Don't assume for a minute that you know someone just because you may have spent countless hours talking to them online.
It's wonderful to find someone you can do that with. But realize that just as you may speak on phone with someone more comfortably than in person, talking online can often become 'comfortable' to the point that people don't even realize they are taking on personalities that they 'want' and not those that they necessarily 'have'. I realize that is not always a voluntary thing, but it's there just the same. And it can be deceiving, voluntary or not.
Perhaps that is what takes most people by surprise the most. They spend hour upon hour talking to someone they 'met' online and one day may even decide to meet in person. That's great. Perhaps the meetings continue alongside the 'chatting' and these two figure they know each other pretty darn well because they have spent all this time 'communicating'. Could be.
Then again, maybe we need to remember that it's life that allows us to truly 'learn' someone. Sharing is good... no, it's great and vital. But walking side by side through the joys and pitfalls of life... now that will reveal the real 'us' like nothing else can. I don't care how much we think we know each other.
Just an observation.
Buttercup
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