When I Realized I Loved Him

Well, what a misleading title...lol....should read "When I realized I loved him so much I could no longer think of life without him"

Yeah, that would be much more appropriate.

When your life is just moving along... you know the way traffic does sometimes on a freeway. At night sometimes I am a bit spellbound by the lights. I live in hilly country so the highways at night often look like rolling ribbons of Red and White lights. It can be so pretty. Hard sometimes to remember that every little pair of lights represents a driver and sometimes a passenger or two. How did they find themselves on this highway... being red or white... are they excited about where they are going? The reason I ask this is because sometimes I look at the traffic and all the pretty little lights and I actually take a moment to consider the lives going by in streams. I think about how my life was before.

Wow did we have some pretty lights. I bet people driving on the same highway as us probably figured our lights would just out shine so many others. My prior life. But I was not excited about where I was going. I had to let someone else drive... all the time. I had become a part of something so 'pretty' and indistinguishable. I had settled for the status quo. And I was miserable. So I left it all.

Everyone thought I was crazy.

I met John. (I'm smiling now) Our lights are not yet burning up the highway. But maybe one day... See, we're not trying to 'fit in' or live according to others' expectations. Everything about how we met, how we behave with one another, how we see our future... all pretty unconventional. All inspired by the love that brought us together and binds us like the strongest glue.

And the thing is I think that if you look closely enough you would probably find a lot of people in their cars... unaware of the image they project with the pretty lights... are just going along with the flow of traffic ... blending in... not even questioning their own happiness... or lack of it. I suppose that's ok. I'm just glad I dared to examine myself and shake myself out of the fog I was living in. I had really lost myself.

When I met John I was challenged to look beyond myself and as a result - found myself once again. The real me. John gave me the confidence to see that I have something to contribute. He inspires me so... He amazes me. John has more heart in him than I ever saw in anybody ever before. He is kind without being a pushover. He's tough without being cold. He's intelligent without being pompous. I love him. He forces me to rise above so many things because he is always on such an even keel. I get wild and rant and rave sometimes and his smile just melts me and we end up laughing because once again... he forces me to see myself.

I think I lived so long trying to be what everyone expected me to be that I forgot just how crazy and quirky I really am. When did I realize I loved him so much that I couldn't imagine life without him? I think it was the day that I dared to imagine it. The day that a friend asked me. What would I do if I lost him... sometimes the simplest questions (when asked in the simplest situations) can just force you to see things so clearly. When she asked me that question I just stopped in my tracks and tears welled up in my eyes. I remember fighting them back. I remember feeling as if my chest would explode and my next breath would never come.

I remembered how I had told him it was over. I remember getting in my car and driving home trying to see through the tears. Finding my way to the computer. Praying he would be there. I remember seeing his nick. Gasping for breath and trying to figure out how to talk to him.. how to let him know. Truth is, he always knew. He knew.

We laughed about this last night. How when we were 'supposedly' split up... how I would call him... and never could let go. He knew before I even knew. It was always there. I love him more deeply than I ever dreamt it was possible to love and it continually astounds me.

We are crazy and wild and quiet and shy and serious and foolish and we just fit. We don't fit in with the rest of the world's idea of how things should be... but boy oh boy do we fit. We are going to take this 'unconventional' situation and allow it to grow and flourish even. There is so much love.

Yeah, I know the very moment that I realized that I loved him so much I couldn't imagine life without him... I remember. Wish I was as good as expressing these things as he is. But he knows... yeah, he knows. I love him.

We have a long road ahead of us. A road filled with so much more than just pretty lights. A road full of laughter. Tears. Love. He has given me the ability to let my heart go. Until you share it you know, you never really understand what it's for.

Buttercup