Positives and Pitfalls

A bit of a ramble... but here goes...

Most people already know there are down sides to having an online love affair. It simply stands to reason that there would be. For John and I there were so many. But somehow we overcame them.

For starters, there were the obvious things... Distance being the primary one. But there was also the way we were both in places in our lives that caused us to find ourselves online to begin with. We both had been in really bad situations that caused us to need to talk to someone... someone who would listen. Ok, so finding someone to listen is a positive. Needing someone to listen... Well that can lead to all sorts of trouble in itself. When you need someone to listen you most likely have issues that prevent you from being ready to enter into a relationship to begin with. Let's face it, we all have issues. Some greater than others.

Talking to someone online can be so easy... It can be so easy to unload. We both did that a lot in the beginning. We unloaded a lot on each other. At times I think it made us closer, but at other times it made us aware of the fact that we had too much going on in our lives to allow us to be ready to accept the fact that our lives were on a collision course... And oh were they ever. I was scared. I knew from the first time we talked that I had opened a door and it was completely removed from its hinges. There was no closing it. There was this connection. Ok, I tried and tried to close it. I reasoned. I argued with my own logic. I told myself it would never amount to anything. I pushed it aside. He did the same to me. But some things are just unavoidable.

I remember how many times we tried to end it. Sometimes it got to where we were both hanging the phone down on each other and trying to piss the other off to push them away. But each time one of us would break down and we would ultimately end up back together... But we grew stronger this way.

There was a time when we decided we weren't going to fight it anymore and we both gave in to it. We chatted online at every given opportunity. Sharing more and more of each other's lives and getting closer and closer.. Needing each other more and more... But I remained reserved. He knew it. I denied it. But it was there. It was always there lurking in the background.

John held firm. He told me he would not give up even though I was constantly pushing him away. I was sabotaging the very thing I needed most... Our love. Oh I worked hard at it too. I was so afraid of falling in love with him and never being able to make our dream come true. I did not want to live a life in which he had gained access to my most private places... The depths of my heart... And still was 3500 miles away. I knew it would be hard enough to find someone here where I lived that I could let in. I had been hurt too many times.

Something kept me coming back however and it was only because he held firm that I did not lose him altogether.

There was a time when the interference came not from my pushing him aside, but from others in the room. You have to understand that John was always very open in the room about how he felt about me. He praised me, constantly... Always saying the most loving and beautiful things for all in the room to read. It was overwhelming at times. He held nothing back about his feelings for me. Naturally other women noticed this and of course wanted someone to feel that way about them as well. Add to that the fact that I was not as openly responding to him with my feelings and we became very easy targets. Lots of women tried to get to him.

I am a very jealous person. And at the same time, a flirt. Ok, a huge flirt. John never tried to shut me down. He was hurt many times by my open flirting. But what he didn't realize at the time was that it was just another way for me to remain aloof. To not let anyone get too close. But he was getting too close. I was scared outta my mind... But didn't understand myself even why. So it got to us. The rumors started flying. It got bad. Real bad.

At one point it became so easy for others to go to him with all sorts of stories about me. There were blatant lies floating around. But I think it was just some people trying to protect him from me. As if I would surely break his heart. His heart was so huge...Everyone saw that by what he said in the room. What they didn't know was that he and I had connected and I knew his heart... And I loved it. I loved him already more than I had ever dreamed of loving anyone. But I was still too afraid to let it out. So we fought this battle that nearly destroyed us.

It got bad. Nobody in the room realized just how long John and I had been talking. They assumed that I was someone new and that they knew him better than I did and that I did not deserve him. It was brutal. I don't know if he ever realized just how hurt I was by it all. But it doesn't matter now. Now it just doesn't matter. Because I know. I know and he knows... That we were meant to be together and this was just one more trial by fire. It made us so much stronger. So many things made us stronger.

So the rumors, the jealousy, the undermining... The attacks...Blatant and subtle... All helped only to bring us closer together. Bonded more firmly than before. I love him. I always knew that, but it took a lot...A lot... To allow myself that.

We went through all the horrible things that passionate people go through.... The breakup... The pain... The agony of knowing you could lose the one thing that you thought you would never find. I can hardly even write of it without having to pause and fight off the tears. It was more painful than I can express.

John had become a part of me. Through our time together during his visits... He flew across to see me 5 times....Each visit more intense than the last... Harder to say goodbye each time and this difficulty again made me afraid. So afraid in fact, that after the 3rd visit...When he had gone back to England again, I decided I couldn't do it anymore and I ended it.

It was devastating.

I realize now how devastating it could have been had I not eventually come to my senses....And if he had given up. He never gave up. I ran. But my heart just wouldn't run with me. It stayed with him in spite of my insistence that it let go and be realistic. That was my whole thing. I kept saying 'This just isn't realistic. It's not practical. We can't do this. It's nuts.' I told myself that over and over again. And some of my friends reinforced it. Well, actually, every negative thing you ever hear about chat rooms reinforced it. But you know what? I was wrong. One day it was as if I just woke up. I could no longer deny what I knew to be true. I loved him. He loved me. It was stronger and deeper than anything I had ever felt before. I needed him. I could no longer imagine life without him in it. I don't know exactly when it was, but I know the switch was pulled and the dam was let loose. When I sent him the song by Lonestar "Let's Be Us Again" I think he understood and knew as well. He knew. He knew that I had finally given in to the one thing that was true in my life. The one thing that would never go away. I trusted him.

That is something that is very hard to come by for most of us these days in everyday life, let alone online relationships. But I trusted him. Maybe it was the fear of losing him forever, maybe it was the knowledge that I was the one standing between me and my own happiness. Whatever it was, I was no longer having anything to do with being without him. No matter what it took. I had to be with him.

It was no longer about how unrealistic it all was... Now it was all about 'ok, how are we gonna do this?'. Because we WERE gonna do this.

I remember going back into our old chat room. We were a bit apprehensive about it. We figured we would run up against the same attacks and criticism. Instead we were embraced by a joy that others shared with us. They were so happy to see that we made it. That we overcame the grief that we were given in the room previously. They saw in us hope. So many people are looking for signs of hope. We gave it to them. And they rejoiced with us. It was truly heart warming. For all the bad that you hear about in chat rooms I am here to tell you there is so much love there. Yes, there are people that will always be hateful and try to make others' lives more painful than they already are...But oh how I have seen the good in people there. So much good.

When you spend enough time reading what people say...When you stop being judgmental and you allow yourself to really pay attention, you can find something so beautiful in them. In perfect strangers. You start to see their hearts.

The internet is such an easy target for criticism by people who just have no clue what it's all about. It's not until you spend some time there that you realize that in all the dirt, you can find roses growing. Yes, sometimes they are few and far in between. You can go through spells on there and feel as if you are in a vast wasteland. But when John and I came back, suddenly I felt as if I was wandering through a very mysterious and secret garden...Full of the rarest of flowers.
I know it will be difficult to give it up entirely. We still rely on it to talk to one another or just for a bit of amusement when we have nothing else to do and just need to talk and get silly. Sometimes I wish we could leave it altogether though. Because it does still scare me at times. I mean, this is where we met...And yet I feel as though we were just so incredibly lucky to make it through. As if we were both in a burning building and we survived. Should we really go back into the burning building now that we made it through? Ok, maybe a burning building is not the best analogy to use. But the point is that we made it through something few people manage to survive. Shouldn't we want to get as far away from it as possible?

Maybe we are still there simply to make sure others know that it's not such a bad place if you are careful and have your eyes open. I can't ignore the fact that I have made a lot of good friends in that chat room. Maybe some of them will never be more than words on a screen and that's ok. But for me...John became so much more. How positive is that?

For all the pitfalls, I have found the most positive thing in my life. I have found a man who has my heart completely. Whom I love with everything in me. Who has taught me to trust again. And who I hope to grow old with. Well, ok.. I want to stay young with him till our days are through.

I am inspired...And that's very very positive.

Buttercup